Stream of WHAT?

Every now and then, I find myself having these moments when I just get the sudden urge to write. It's quite strange really, because I could be in the middle of doing something and then suddenly I get an idea and I just have to go with it! For the most part, what I end up writing are first or third person narratives about the most random things. They can originate from personal experiences, other people's experiences that I find I want to write about, or like the example below, a combination of the two.

I got this idea after watching an episode of Degrassi (Yes I'll admit it, I was a HUGE Degrassi fan! side note: this popular "Drake" figure will forever live in my heart as Jimmy haha). Ellie Nash, a former cutter, has a personal physical therapy that involves snapping a rubber band she wears against her skin whenever she gets the urge to cut herself. A leading reason as to why individuals cut is for the sole purpose that it puts them in control of some aspect of their lives. Its a positive reinforcement for them to see the blood and to feel the pain, and to know that they are responsible for it. That being said, I started thinking...don't we all--in some way, shape, or form--constantly make attempts to control the amount of pain we undergo, be it physical, emotional, etc...? Whether its ignoring the pain in a broken finger in order to finish playing a basketball game, or always keeping people at an arm's length so that they never get close enough to hurt or disappoint-->Everyone wants to be in control of the situation at hand; as if being in control lessens the potential risk of getting hurt. I had the urge to write something that stemmed from this topic.

Being an "English Buff" as those close to me call it, I was interested in finding the correct literary term for these short periods of intense writing...these bouts of creativity. And then it hit me: stream of consciousness! In terms of literature, stream of consciousness portrays a character's point of view by providing a written version of his/her thought process typically in form of a narrative. A wonderful published example of this would be T.S. Eliot's poem "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" (a must read if I may say so myself). I love reading things like this almost as much as I love writing them. It's therapeutic and just plain old fun! :) Enjoy.

4/23/09

1:44 AM

SNAP...SNAP...Snap goes the elastic that she is wearing around her wrist. The stinging feeling she gets in the same place she is hurting, goes red as she continues with this self-inflicted pain. It hurts, and she knows it but she doesn't care. Any pain she can generate just to block out the one she is feeling in the vicinity of her chest's center. She hurt him, he hurt her...all unintentionally of course--or so they say. This does not hide the fact that it keeps happening, and it hurts all the same...every time. SNAP...SNAP...SNAP! The pacing of the snaps quicken as she recounts their last interaction. His diverted gaze, her heavy sighs, his clearing of the throat, her deep inhales--all in an effort to break that earsplitting silence between them that has enough volume to drown out her thoughts. It's awkward and she knows it, but she doesn't do anything about it. It pains her and she feels it, but she doesn't do anything about it. And him? It appears as if everything is just perfectly fine; like there isn't a tension so thick it could suppress their breathing like the air on a hot and humid day, like pollen at the zenith of allergy season. Tension, Tension. Tension. SNAP...SNAP...Snap goes the elastic as it pops across her wrists and snaps her back into reality. He's gone: just like that. Snap!

On Being Big Sis

“A sibling may be the keeper of one's identity, the only person with the keys to one's unfettered, more fundamental self.” ~Marian Sandmaier

What starts off as a night of just congregating for a quick webcam photo, morphs into hours of joking, dancing, and posting silly videos on older sibling's facebook walls. Can it actually be possible for a person to never know exactly how much she loves being an older sister until one exact [and fairly recent] moment? Somewhere between dancing to N'Sync holiday classics and fighting for the most camera time, this girl fell in love--with a seventeen year old chic who marches to the beat of her own drum and has a bohemian state of mind, and with a six year old boy who radiates innocence and has a heart as big as the world.

Being an older sibling is like being cast in a role that you didn't audition for, or landing a job without having gone to the interview. For the most part, we don't ask for these positions, but we find ourselves inheriting it's responsibilities regardless. With statements like "Look out for..." "Set an example for..." and "Take ___ with you" constantly being thrown our way, there is no wonder why being an older sibling can seem like a bit of a burden. However, it is a blessing too. This Christmas break, while watching my sister and brother dance for the camera, I discovered just how rewarding it is to have younger siblings. For most of my life I have been so focused on what I could potentially teach them as being their older sister--that I was completely oblivious to the numerous lessons they have instilled in me.

At an age when most girls are just starting to "find themselves," my teenage sister has a pretty solid idea of the young lady she is becoming. It may have been her decision to turn vegetarian at the tender age of eleven in a house full of carnivores, or her decision to do service in Uganda over a summer vacation filled with fun in the sun...Nevertheless, she has taught me the importance of being true to myself, and not caring so much about what other people think.

My little brother, on the other hand, has taught me so much about myself in terms of love and caring for others. I never knew I had the emotional capacity to care for another individual as much as I do him, and I never knew what it truly meant to love selflessly until him. There is not a thing in the world that I wouldn't do for him, or any of my siblings for that matter.

So as their singing and dancing winds down, I cannot help but smile as I think about how much of an impact these two have made on my life. There is definitely a give and take when it comes to these sibling relationships--and I LOVE that! That's my serendipitous moment... While we older sibs find ways in which we can be there for our younger sibs, let us not forget to recognize and appreciate the many ways that they are there for us. <3